Sunday, 9 February 2014

Vampires: Separating the Lame from the Awesome

Hello again blogosphere! Welcome to another weird and wacky blog post where I just basically share my strange inner ramblings with my fellow internet addicts. It seems that I've once again delved into the world of the supernatural, helping you to determine whether or not the vampire you're evaluating (which will hopefully be in a TV show or movie, and not roaming the Earth) is awesome or just extremely lame. Let's get started . . .

SEEK: The Ability for Vampires to be Killed with a Stake

According to vampire folklore (which is apparently a thing), it is traditional for vampires to be killed with a stake to the heart. Luckily, in most cases in popular culture, this still seems to be the case. However, some new little vampire shows and movies have decided to be total hipsters and forgo this (in my opinion, necessary) convention. You don't believe me, you don't think this could possibly be true? May I introduce to you exhibit A, Twilight.  Horrid, horrid Twilight. This is the first of many bashings it will receive in this blogpost. Apparently, according to Stephanie Meyers, the only way a vampire can be killed is by their own kind, or a werewolf. Where is that logic? Say there someone was trying to rid the world of vampires for good (a vampire slayer even), how would they do it? Each time, they'd have to get another vampire to do the job for them, and then get another one after that to kill the vampire who helped them out, it's a vicious circle. Bottom line is, if you can stake them and they die, you're on the right track to finding one awesome vampire. 

AVOID: Vampires who Sparkle in the Sun

Yep, once again get prepared for some Twilight bashing. For this little awful addition alone, Stephanie Meyer should be shunned for life. May I ask, what kind of vampires sparkle? What does that even mean? It's common knowledge that when vampires are exposed to sunlight, they combust, it's just a thing. What makes Stephanie Meyer think she can shake things up and mess with folklore? It's just cray and wrong, so very wrong. Also, even though the rest of the book was a joke anyway, making the vampires sparkle is just adding insult to injury. Sparkling isn't cool, it never will be. It's just super, super lame. How is it plausible for blood-sucking, ruthless creatures to sparkle in the sun? Sparkling doesn't exactly bring to mind soulless creatures of the night. Since when does that make sense? Even in 'The Vampire Diaries', where vampires are commonly seen roaming the streets in broad daylight, there's an explanation for it. What excuse do you have Twilight (other than sucking)?

SEEK: A Vampire Game Face

What could this possibly mean? What is this vampire game face I speak of? Well feast your eyes on this. 

The morphed, crinkled face, the yellow eyes, the fangs. It all just screams vampire. If a vampire just rocked up with some slightly pointy teeth and major B.O, that wouldn't be impressive or even vaguely scary. It's all about the look. Pair that game face with an ominous trench coat and maybe some sort of cape, and you've got yourself one hard core vampire. I mean, I don't mean to sound shallow, but aesthetics really are important. You can't just get any pasty guy to pose as the undead, they need to have the scare factor. If they evoke fear, they're in the clear.

AVOID: Vampires who don't need Blood to Survive

A integral part of what makes vampires who they are is the fact that they need blood to survive, it's just a thing. So for anyone to mess with that is seriously wrong. Luckily, the majority of writers are smart enough to stick to this rule, as to not send the world into a new realm of cray (or force themselves to face my wrath, which is obviously equally important). However, there are always exceptions. Once again, it seems that this exception was made by none other than Stephanie Meyer. She just can't stick to tradition, can she? Apparently, vampires can survive on your everyday, human balanced diet. Throw in a steak, some pasta, a fancy wine and you've got yourself one content vampire. There are so many things wrong with this. For one, why is Edward moping around all the time? It would make sense if he were a remorseful vampire, having trouble coming to terms with the fact that he has to kill humans to survive as he is being tortured by his own soul day in and day out. But no, he's just randomly moody all the time for no reason at all. What's with that? It's ridiculous. And wrong, very wrong.

SEEK: Vampires that can't be seen in Mirrors

Once again referring to that pesky folklore, it is a well known fact that vampires can't be seen in any reflective surface. However, quite a few writers have decided to go a little cray and render this rule redundant. Once again, Twilight falls into that category. However, this time, it's not alone, as alongside it is 'The Vampire Diaries'. What makes it different from (and better than) Twilight is that they at least reference the lack of reflection, talking about how it's some kind of vampire myth. In Twilight, it's just some kind of unspoken rule breaking. Pretty much everyone else seems to follow this rule, and for that, I deem them awesome. What fun would it be if you were about to be attacked by a vampire and could see them coming from a mile away? It's all about the sneak attack. Also, with true vampires, there's no photographic evidence, which just makes it even better. 

AVOID: Vampires Without a Sense of Humour

I thought it was only appropriate to finish this post the way I started it- by bashing Twilight. Let's face it, some vampires would've been around for hundreds, even thousands of years, you think they wouldn't have picked up a few jokes on the way? Yeah yeah, you can have all that tortured soul, bloodthirsty stuff going on as well, but why do they have to take themselves so seriously? Again, I turn to you Twilight. Seriously, suck it up (no pun intended- kidding, there was totally a pun intended). But seriously, what's with the constant emo demeanour Edward? Maybe stop taking yourself so seriously and crack a joke every once in a while. What's wrong with you? Also, on a totally unrelated note, perhaps stop staying stuff like 'hop on spider monkey', or 'you're my own personal brand of heroin', because that comes off super creepily. 

All in all, I think we can gather that Twilight is the worst piece of literature and multimedia on Earth. Seriously, that's not an overstatement. Even Robert Patterson agrees with me!

And that's officially the end. Til' next time . . .

Annabel xx

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