Hello again my readers! Today I, as you can probably already tell, will be reviewing some of the lies that disney told us when we were young. I guess we all just have to put aside our bias for a while and face the facts. Here we go . . .
5. We can all communicate with animals
Sure, we probably don't believe this now, but I can honestly tell you that I spent days on end trying to communicate with my gold fish when I was younger. Nothing but disappointment. Seriously, somehow Cinderella managed to turn her animals into personal slaves and professional seamstresses, and I can't even teach my dog to sit on command. How is this fair? I sometimes still half expect the ibises looking for scraps of food in the playground at lunchtime to break into song and help me unload the washing machine. Overall, I basically now just have unrealistic expectations of life.
What I think people who try and communicate with animals should look like
What they actually look like
4. If you think 'happy thoughts' you can fly
Again, luckily I don't really believe this anymore, but I can't honestly tell you that I've never tried to think about pancakes while jumping off the coffee table. And I really think (hope) I'm not the only one. Unfortunately, there is no secret portal to Neverland, and I'm pretty sure that the only way you can fly at the moment is inside an aircraft. I can just imagine kids all around the world walking into medical emergency rooms, and using the excuse of 'Peter Pan told me to' when the Doctor asks why they decided to jump off their furniture. Maybe it'll be possible in the future? One can dream.
3. Stepmothers are always evil
From Snow White to Cinderella, it seems that if your father remarries, you're in for a wild ride. For years, whenever someone mentioned their stepmother in conversation, I would cringe and instantly expect the worst. Most of the time, I was wrong. Truth is, most of the time they're perfectly nice people. But will kids ever think that? Probably not. I have to say, still the first thing that comes to mind when stepmothers are mentioned is being forced to clean the house and serve my stepsisters night and day.
2. If you're pretty, you don't need a job
Wouldn't it be great, to just get a major makeover and ta-da, you don't need to work again. All you need to do is find yourself a prince and live happily ever after, where working is a thing of the past. Yep, all it takes is slapping on some lipstick and you've got yourself a stress free life free from responsibility of any kind (besides maintaining your appearance of course). Sure, this might've been the case back in the 1800's, but ever since that pesky feminist movement, women actually have to work for their riches. To be fair, the majority of Disney movies have dated quite a bit overtime, but that doesn't stop little girls from dreaming of a duty free life. When I was about 3, my major life goal was to live on a couch and eat grilled cheese sandwiches while getting money from the government (admittedly a little less glamorous than the life of a Disney princess, but still). Talk about false hope.
1. You'll live happily ever after
Ah yes, happily ever after. The dream of little girls across the globe. It's quite a broad term, and it's not like there's a council that can determine that yes indeed, your life is officially awesome. Does it always happen? One would like to think so, but that's not always the case. Sometimes people just have to face the cold hard facts and realise that this is as good as it's going to get. Just look at some of the people in my 'Weird Ways to Die' post, do you really think they lived happily ever after? I don't think so. And if the conventions of living this blissful existence are that you ride off into the sunset with your prince and wear frilly dresses all the time while living in a castle, then I'm pretty sure about 99% of the population will be sorely disappointed.
So there you have it. I hope I haven't shattered too many of your childhood dreams, and that you still have the will to live. Here's hoping that in the near future we'll all be flying off tables and talking to birds, and live out our happily ever afters. Til' next time . . .